QUESTIONING LIFE....

I'm just wondering things. I have tried to commit suicide atleast 4 times in my life by taking pills. I'm still here. I have kids & that's all the clain to this earth that I have....4 beautiful children, that even thought I want to rip their heads off at times, they are the only ones that give me this special feling inside. When I look at them I fill up with pride, knowing that they are mine.
So, I want to know why for the third yr in a row I am losing cousins.
Phil died on June 19, 2006. Shot in the head. He had made bad decisions in his life, but he was trying to straighten out for his kids & his mom. He was a great drawer, he was good with kids, he could have been someone.
Jerry died May 5, 2007. I'm still unsure of his circumstances, but some how he was on the turnpike, middle of the night, i think in only boxers & a sock, hit by a car. He was even decapitated. He had made bad decisions in life, too, but he was doing so much better. He had custody of his daughter, worked, a good basketball player (standing 7'2" tall). He could have been someone, too.
Then today, September 3, 2008. My cousin Larry (jr.) died. Luekemia. He was so funny! He was married & she's not in that great of health, because she's very overweight & it's not good on her heart.....she's had close calls herself. He took care of their daughter. Now, what? He's another one that could have someone.
So, what I am wondering is, why them & not me? They obviously wanted to still be here. I haven't wanted to be. I can't be anyone. I have my kids, but there are times I know that they don't deserve me....that they would be better off without me. I have wondered if it's better if they remember me or if they forget me. I don't think it's fair.
Or what even about people that don't even deserve to live?.....child molesters, rapist, child murderers, ppl who murder others for no reason-people like that...
Don't get me wrong, when my depression goes away & I end up living, I'm happy. It's just when I get so low that I just know that I cant make anything in my life better.
I just felt I needed to write this. Thanx for listening to me!

R.I.P. ~PHILIP DALLY~ ~JERRY FLOYD~ ~LARRY BRIGHT JR.~
"Phili Phil" " JR."